The War

I'm currently having to deal with a war that is going on inside my head.

I've been stuck under this grey cloud for the past month or 2, i just cant seem to shake it clear.

Right now the depression is winning, i dont want to do anything, i just want to stay in bed and hide from reality and sometimes i want to die.

Bipolar is ruining my life.

Hmmm im sure going to work tomorrow will lift my mood ... because a job i hate with a passion will help, especially with people who dont understand my mood and seem to make it worse.

Folk guitars and Tattoos

Back on a positive, yay.

This is totally my life right now, Folk indie music and being creative and happy. I love life again, no one owns me, i can do what i please.

My plans for today;

Chill

Listen to Noah and the Whale's new album

Design a sleeve tattoo that i may use for myself

Stretch my ear to 5mm

Chill

Get drunk with my bestest friend

Laugh

Love

Live

Do what makes you happy :)

Simple.

I always seem to find myself in situations where no matter what route i choose it may have a negative impact.

Do i do the right thing and possibly end up really hurting someone or do i do something different where i'm not happy and it gives someone else temporary happiness.

I always seem to do or say things to keep whomever happy. I dont really think about the impact till its too late.

I've seem to have found my self in a rather big pickle recently. A pickle i cant seem to un-pickle no matter what i do.

I don't can't do relationships, and i can really remember why now.

This is why i like simple. Simple might be boring but my mind can handle simple.

I like plain ice cream, i like chocolate on its own, i drink water and i dont like my food touching. All simple.

Where can i find a plain ice cream partner. Preferably one that will not melt either.

Homophobia

Now you would think these days homophobia is not really a problem any more, especially in this generation, where it's almost cool and the in thing to be part of the LGBT community.

Well i have experienced homophobia twice now in the last week, by my mum and by who i used to class as very good friends of mine.

When i told my mum i had a girlfriend, she was disappointed. She says she isnt but i could tell.

"Oh i thought you would bring a nice lad home.". She denies saying that but i remember it clearly. I dont ever want to disappoint my mum but to have known i disappointed her for just being me hurts.

Then there were my friends. I used to travel ages to get to college, and we all lived in different towns by some distance. Since leaving college i have been working alot, and in my spare time i would see family and friends that live near by. I guess they've got a bit pissed off because i can never really find the time or the money to go to see them. I guess they noticed my Facebook relationship had changed, and it showed that i was with a girl. They left a comment on wall saying something like "What, are you gay, straight, confused, cus we sure as hell are". I deleted the post and spoke to them on chat, and just basically said i was bi. They asked how long etc. And i knew the way they were asking the questions they were thinking "OMG she must of fancied me" They were just horrible the way they were saying stuff. Again they would probably deny saying it horribly, but to me it seemed negative and again this hurt my feelings.

Now you might think, homophobia might be a bit over the top. But it doesnt just class attacks, it also includes any kind of negativity towards the person because of their sexuality.

I dont see what people's problems are.

I guess ...

I'm sorry for being me.

But what im also going to say is ...

FUCK YOU BITCHES!!!

Time to be a stereotype and have Tegan & Sara as the video.

I cry because ...

I hate showing my emotions and i have a nack at hiding them. "There's no crying in baseball", and people will never see a Kimble cry. To see me proper cry is like spotting the loch ness monster, it aint gonna happen. Which means there's one film i could never watch in the company of others, because i cry. Not just a little cry either, a continuous sob for like half hour.

Why do i cry so much with this film?

Is it the heart felt story line and the amazing acting that makes me lose grip on reality and genuinely feel sad for the characters?

Is it the topic, the fact i have a passion for it and to see such heartache after so much hard work breaks my own heart?

Is it the use of moody cinematic effects and powerful piano pieces that melts my heart?

Or is it purely the fact i wished i had a father, or at least a father figure like Frankie?

Things i need to shout at the world...

To You;

I'm so lucky to be rid of you, you massive stupid fucking headfuck you!! Lesson learnt.

To You;

Why dont you get it ... how hard is it. I tell you but you dont listen, it doesnt seem to sink in. All i need is someone to help me, to listen to me. I thought that was your role in my life.

To You;

I was in control, i was stable, then you go and do something like that and now i dont know where i stand. You rocked the boat when i was trying to keep it steady.

To my heart;

I miss you.

To my brain;

SHUT UP!

To the world;

FUCK YOU!

100 reasons to smile

There is a million reasons why i smile, but here are the first 100 reasons i can think of.

1. The smell of fresh rain.
2. Fresh bed sheets and a newly made bed.
3. Favourite song coming on the radio.
4. Night time driving.
5. Thunder storms.
6. Pushing your feet deep into the cool sand on the beach.
7. Making other people smile.
8. Handwritten letters.
9. New catalogues.
10. The feeling of new carpets/rugs.
11. Going to a busy road and not having to stop to cross.
12. Receiving something for free, even if it's a pen.
13. The sniff test.
14. When you almost die, but you dont.
15. A real good high 5.
16. The rush between turning light off and getting into bed.
17. Ninja movement in car parks, where you drive through different parking bays to the best one.
18. Getting caught in the rain.
19. Wearing warm clothes straight from the dryer.
20. When the moon looks awesome.
21. Rushing through a closing door like a ninja.
22. A good cup of tea.
23. When the train/bus doors stop and open right infront of you.
24. The feeling when the car goes over a small hill.
25. Sleeping through your alarm, but waking up in time so your not late.
26. The feel of really clean teeth.
27. Excitement spasm.
28. Sharing a book, and discussing it.
29. Being the only person on the beach.
30. Successful cork popping.
31. Conversations with your friends parents.
32. Taking the perfect picture.
33. When a film really makes you giggle and laugh.
34. Awesome moustaches.
35. In control of the music in the car.
36. Getting in line, and another lane opens, as if it was just for you.
37. Coffee shops.
38. Geeking about something.
39. When you and strangers help push cars out of the snow.
40. When you take that extra invisible step on the stairs.
41. Reading on the toilet.
42. Dancing when home alone.
43. Having the best dreams.
44. Walking alone and an awesome upbeat song comes on your iPod so you start running.
45. Being the first to walk in fresh snow.
46. Finding cool things in a junk drawer/box/room.
47. Having all your friends over to chill.
48. Seeing an old friend whilst out and exchange numbers.
49. Receiving money you forgot you lent out.
50. Going out when you didn't want to, and it turns into the best day.
51. Driving through motorway tunnels with the orange lights.
52. Spending the day with your mum.
53. After an hour seeing a film, you finally think of another film that the actor has been in.
54. Finding a really cool book at the book shop.
55. Really cool shop deals. (2for1, 4for£20 etc)
56. Successful shots into the bin from afar.
57. Baking cakes/cookies etc with someone.
58. Wearing his hoodie/jumper/jacket.
59. That moment where you admire your freshly tidied room.
60. Walking to/from the shower/bath naked and not get caught.
61. Getting past that really tough level on a game.
62. Walking bare foot on the grass.
63. Getting the Christmas decorations down from the loft.
64. Groups of people singing together.
65. The excitement of your pet when your back home.
66. Getting into a cold bed and snuggling up.
67. The sizzle sound when cooking.
68. Letting your hand ride the breeze out of the car window.
69. Reaching for something far away without having to leave your seat.
70. Unpacking your new gadget.
71. Spontaneous water fights.
72. Quickly posing when you realise your in the back of someones photo.
73. Clear skies at night.
74. Sitting in a packed car and theres a big corner/turning.
75. Walking home in the morning after staying out all night.
76. Listening to moving water. (river/sea etc)
77. Climbing a tree.
78. Melted butter on warm bread.
79. Firework displays.
80. Twilight walks on the coast.
81. Going somewhere new on the opening day/night.
82. Getting to the bus stop/train station just as it turns up.
83. Catching something before it falls to the floor.
84. Realising it's Friday.
85. Birthday/Christmas morning.
86. Realising something new when watching a film for the 4th time.
87. The feeling of utterly smooth legs after shaving them.
88. Licking the cake mixture off the spoon.
89. Making homemade milkshakes with ice cream and milk.
90. Boredom games of catch.
91. Wearing new socks.
92. Gift shops.
93. Getting someone to ring your mobile when you lose it.
94. The anticipation of waiting for one more number at bingo/with the lottery.
95. Building a fort.
96. The feeling when your ear pops.
97. The successful back stretch.
98. Getting to the kettle just as it boils/ Getting to the microwave just as it dings.
99. Colourful kids plasters.
100. Anything to do with someone you love.

:D

Its been Quiet.

I just havnt got much to say right now. But follow these links to see my random artistic moments and dribbles.

http://itsthatfimble.tumblr.com/

http://itsthatfimble.deviantart.com/

What is this feeling?

Fervid as a flame, Does it have a name?

Moving on from wicked ...

I have been doing a little research :) into different types of love. Its really interesting and does make you think, what is this feeling.

UNREQUITED LOVE:

Its is known that usually the object to ones unrequited love is someone they see often or know quite well. Hence why it is a unrequited love as it is awkward to let ones feelings to be known. Also there's that fear that once feelings have become clear the other person would be weirded out and may all together stop all contact. It is also known that the person in love can undergo the same amount of pain as someone breaking up with a long term partner.
HARSH!
Ooooh and here's an interesting news report about it;

Unrequited love can be a 'killer'

Experts say people can die from a broken heart

Lovesickness can kill and should be taken more seriously as a legitimate diagnosis, according to health experts.

Frank Tallis, a clinical psychologist in London, is among those calling for greater awareness of the "illness" in a report in The Psychologist magazine.

He said many are "destabilised by falling in love, or suffer on account of their love being unrequited" and this could lead to a suicide attempt.

Dr Tallis said that before the 18th Century lovesickness had been accepted as a natural state of mind for thousands of years.

He said in modern day terms the symptoms can include mania, such as an elevated mood and inflated self-esteem, or depression, revealing itself as tearfulness and insomnia.

Aspects of obsessive compulsive disorder can also be found in those experiencing lovesickness, such as preoccupation and obsessively checking for text messages and e-mails.

[Source]

Which leads me onto...

OBSESSIVE LOVE:

I dont like this one, this one is well creepy. Basically the person becomes a psycho!

Controlling and demanding, full on obsession with the person they love.

This is definitely not the feeling!

PLATONIC LOVE:

Basically, a strong love for a friend that is not sexual at all. I believe sometimes mistaken for denial ;)

ROMANTIC LOVE:

Romance is the pleasurable feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.

In the context of romantic love relationships, romance usually implies an expression of one's love, or one's deep emotional desires to connect with another person.

Historically, the term "romance" originates with the medieval ideal of chivalry as set out in its Romance literature.

Ahhhh how i now love romance. I never was romantic before, and i didnt even really think about it as my ex's were all too modern day and un-romantic. RIP Chivalry. I love the old fashioned idea of chivalry and courting for the one you love. Too much hard work apparently, but people who say this have obviously not found the right person. To express your love should become an act like breathing. It should be natural and easy to achieve.

Anyways i dont want to rant, i came to spread the love.

I Love You All, but to my special one ...I Love You with all my heart, forever and a day!

Bad Day.

More like bad week, and its only Tuesday. Everything is going wrong, everything is annoying me and I'm hating every minute of the day!
Usually when i get overly annoyed i go out for a run to cool down but NOOOO! I damage my knee at work and then I get hit by a parked car and now my knee is bust! I can barely stand with it, which is going to be fun for tomorrow ... standing for 8 hours -_-
I HATE HALF TERM!
I just want to run away now.
I want to talk to people that i want to talk to.
I want this blooming storm cloud to buggar off from my head!
... I want a good long hug, rant and sob!
... and a mental drunken party at the end of the week.

Fimble Arts

Thats right, i do art.

Heres something i drew today.

?

Can you tell who it is yet?

I Love Cheryl Cole :), And i love Adele and this song.

Advice...

Now I'm great at giving out advice, I'm quite a wise young owl sometimes. But i seem to find it really difficult to take my own advice. Ive noticed i can always give it out, yet become puzzled when dealing with my own problems, even though i may have solved similar problems with my friends.

Recent Example:

Even though i haven't seen my Ex in ages, through the openness of Facebook i can see that he has some kind of feelings for an old mate of mine. I ask him out of the blue if he's going to do anything about it. At first hes confused as to how i know, i just tell him i am one clever girl. I ask if he thinks she has any feelings in return, to which he replies with some evidence to suggest that there may be. Now i know what he is like so i tell him to take her on some kind of date just him and her, and to at some point tell her he likes her. With all this ill be really surprised if nothing comes from it, and I've already said i would eat a chili pepper if it don't. I'm not a fan of spicy, so I'm hoping my cupid skills are at the highest level!

Now you see I'm in a similar situation. I like someone, i don't know whether they like me back. Yet i cant do what i suggested for my ex. It might be because my situation is a bit more complicated, with more hurdles and problems. Thinking about it, if it was as simple as the above example, i might be able to use my own advice. I'm pretty confident and optimistic to just tell someone i like them. But these stupid complications are stopping me on this one.

Now i usually find simple boring but this time i would love this to be simple.

More On Reality,

For when i do grasp reality again, it scares me.

I don't like it.

It hit me a little just now, now i'm fighting for control of my mind again.

Because of my acting and hiding of my feelings and emotions, people in my life don't realise how hard it is just to stay in control. Something that no one thinks about, yet i have to fight for it almost everyday. As i said with my acting, most people do not realise when i'm on a bad day. Even the people that probably know me best.

Maybe it can be acceptable for me not to live in reality, life for me is hard enough as it is.

Sometimes i just think, why should i bother trying to be normal. Today i should be one complete mental basket case. But then that little bit of reality hits, ill lose my job, friends, family and wind up in a loony bin.

Whatever i do, its poo. So off to my little world in my head. Its always smiles there, Its ... perfect.

Reality

"Reality is the state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or may be thought to be."

I believe I'm losing the ability to know what is reality in my mind. Ive got to the stage where i have made up every part of my life to make it better. Makes me think i should of pursued a career as an actress. The level of acting i can keep up now and pretty much 24/7 amazes me. In my mind i have almost completely erased the real life with my made up life. I mean i still have my real life, family and work, but i also have this other life that i live that isn't real which is intertwined with reality. So here is my problem of knowing what is real now and what isn't. it could be to do with the 'mental disorder' and how i have coped with it for the last possible 10 years of having it. With the family i got it was always best to hold your tongue and always hide your problems and emotions. To just deal with it. Which isn't easy when i have a problem of controlling my emotions. Making a whole other persona and life i guess made it easier to hide my problems with other people. Plus with commitment problems makes it easier for when people leave, because they never knew the real Kimberley Steward. Although saying that who is the real Kimberley Steward? Does she even exist any more? Has Kimble Fimble just completely squashed the reality of Kimberley Steward with this fake life, that i like to believe is reality. To be honest i don't want to go back to reality, this life i have created is great, because what i say goes. Maybe having no grip on reality makes it easy for me to be stronger and braver when it comes to telling people where to shove it, because in my mind, things will always turn out OK.

This is a post about an unsalted nut!

And his name was Jay.

Everything is Borrowed

We are created and brought to earth with nothing, we accumulate a whole load of crap and then we die, leaving everything behind. But the main thing we leave is our memories and love with other people, those of which are free.

Ive grown up with basic stuff, but my mum always tried her hardest to get me the coolest things. I never knew back then that keeping up with the Jones' would leave nothing but guilt, fear and the realization that i never really needed the 'stuff'. Growing up being told when home alone "When someone knocks on the door, turn everything off, be quiet and hide!".

Luckily my ninja skills and probably my mum's charms kept a roof over our head and the stuff under it. But the process of bailiffs removing everything you own, and being put into sheltered housing is a bit ... well lets say its not fun.

Although to this day the risk of losing our home is still around. Not much we can do but continue with life and continue to be ninjas when it comes to the phone ringing and people knocking on the door.

Yes i purchased a lot of unnecessary gadgets this last year, but its the thrill of money in my hand and being able to spend it myself. Do i regret anything i have lavished out on, yes and no. I could of gone without but then again no, i don't like to regret. What has been done has been done - get over it and move on. But now i spend my money on other people to do things. We cant take money with us when we die, so there's no point saving it up, so i spend it on memories. People cant believe when i offer to pay towards their part of an outing, trips, shows or holidays when they're a little short of cash. I'm not doing it to show off the money i've got. I don't have much, but it pays towards an event that will leave memories forever in my mind, and to me, its worth every penny!

Best things in life are free ... love and memories. Relish in it constantly.

Don't waste a single day!

Time off

I've not been at work for 3 days, and it has been bliss. I haven't really done much either. Just pottered about, playing games, creating art and baking cookies. Things I never get time to do. I also turned off my phone so Ii wouldn't be disturbed of nothingness.

My time off ends tomorrow, I might not be back at work till Tuesday, no something worse is happening tomorrow. I will be looking after 3 young boys for the day on my own. Wish me luck, I'm hoping computer games and plenty of running about will keep them occupied and make them sleepy.

So here's to a peaceful and delightful time off, shame its got to end tomorrow.

...UP

Now I truly and completely love this film, even though it breaks my heart TWICE within the first 15 minutes of the film.

I probably love this film so much because of the character Ellie, in which i see myself.

• Adventurous
• Chatterbox
• Arty
• Nature lover
• and generally a really nice and friendly person.

The title UP also appeals to me because of the slight mental disorder I got. Also when Ellie is depressed I do the same kinda thing when I'm on a downer.

Ooo like Ellie and Carl, I also tend to spend all my time with one person, I'm all about having one amazing best friend than several acquaintances. From a kid I always had one special person I shared my life and adventures with. although this past year I've been alone. Don't get me wrong I got friends, lots of friends, but not that one special person.No one seems to be able to keep up with me, my risk taking, spontaneity and adventures. Apparently people like routine and boredom.

I would love to find someone that would let me paint the house in several different colours and make the house float using thousands of helium balloons. Also someone that would let me keep a talking dog and a cool bird called Kevin.

Its nice to have a film that i can make a connection too, that makes me really happy and laugh out loud too ... SQUIRREL!!!!

Love

Well its everywhere at the moment, and we've still got over a week till the sickly day of love, also known as 'Valentines Day'.

Maybe its because I'm single that I'm a little bit bitter towards the day, but i believe when your going out with someone then you should treat them and surprise them all the time. It shouldn't be a chore, its something that should feel natural to do. Although saying this, I've found out that I'm quite the romantic, and apparently romance is dead. Boo, bring back courting and working hard to get the person you love.

Saying that, if the person you like never text you first, do you give up on them? Its hard to keep the romance going when you get nothing in return.

Maybe I'm also a bit bitter when I see proper skanky people going out with alright people. That's less alright people for us alright people to go out with. How dare they.

Also when you see amazing people going out with douche bags. Why settle for less?

Weirdly enough I'm writing about love and romance whilst watching a zombie film. I can see similarity's between zombies and today's 'romantic' society. How you say, let me share ...

Today's society:

*drunk at a bar, beer goggles to the max*

"Your fit, wanna F***?"

*back to disgusting flat, do the deed*

"You gotta go before my mum wakes up"

*Go home, later receive a text*

"Better get yourself checked out, i got *insert std here*"

Zombies

*NOMNOMNOM*

*Contract virus, now your a zombie*

Amazing right?

Here is an example of how i treat the someone i love on a daily basis.**

**Treats, notes and locations vary

Now for a not so romantic song, but i love it :) and at the end of the day the post is titled, 'Love'.

Art

This is one subject i can geek about, yet have no one to geek about it with.

When it comes to Art, some people can be a little ignorant!

For example. "Art is shit, Look at Tracy Emin, that aint art. its a fucking bed! i can do that!!"

My reply is really?

Can you come up with the concept and meaning, you can say you can make that art, AFTER someone else has come up with it. But do you have the mental creative capacity to come up with your own unique piece of art with a concept?!

Im sorry but whatever artists do now, they will only get truly appreciated by other fellow artists or actual art geeks. Cant make landscapes or other traditional art without it being EVERYWHERE. But you cant make unique sculptures or insulations without people saying "i can do that".

If you could do that you wouldnt be standing there saying that to me, NO, you'll have sold your art for thousands of pounds to a gallery!

Im getting sick of people criticising Art, when they know nothing about the piece of art or art in general.

PEOPLE OPEN YOUR MIND! look abit deeper into that bed, find the story behind it. Appreciate it.

Im off to let my emotions and creative juices fill my sketch book whilst listening to my new CD that came today, featuring this little piece of musical art.

I'm Back!!

Sorry, Just under a year ago i was abducted by aliens. They've only just finished probing me and let me back to Earth.

When i say aliens i mean psychiatrists.

But on a serious note, life has changed alot since my last blog post.

I has a xbox 360

and a PS3

aaaand a DSi.

Oh and a massssive TV :D although thinking about it now ... maybe i should of used all that money on some heating!

I no longer have to commute to Canterbury, Weeheeey. But i now have to commute to Ramsgate, half the time but just as boring and annoying!

I has my sister back :D, and about a hundred new nephews :)

... What else? hmmm oh yeah i'm mental, Complete basket case, screw loose, head fuck etc. But thats not important.

With all the highs and lows, nothing can dampen my spirit. because ...

I LOVE LIFE

Seriously guys, stick two fingers up at God, tell him to bring it on because you can handle anything he throws at you.

Fuck It. Do everything and anything. Do your own thing, if you want it, go get it.

Dont take anything seriously. Let your heart rule!

Go out and actually FEEL LIFE!