The War

I'm currently having to deal with a war that is going on inside my head.

I've been stuck under this grey cloud for the past month or 2, i just cant seem to shake it clear.

Right now the depression is winning, i dont want to do anything, i just want to stay in bed and hide from reality and sometimes i want to die.

Bipolar is ruining my life.

Hmmm im sure going to work tomorrow will lift my mood ... because a job i hate with a passion will help, especially with people who dont understand my mood and seem to make it worse.

Folk guitars and Tattoos

Back on a positive, yay.

This is totally my life right now, Folk indie music and being creative and happy. I love life again, no one owns me, i can do what i please.

My plans for today;

Chill

Listen to Noah and the Whale's new album

Design a sleeve tattoo that i may use for myself

Stretch my ear to 5mm

Chill

Get drunk with my bestest friend

Laugh

Love

Live

Do what makes you happy :)

Simple.

I always seem to find myself in situations where no matter what route i choose it may have a negative impact.

Do i do the right thing and possibly end up really hurting someone or do i do something different where i'm not happy and it gives someone else temporary happiness.

I always seem to do or say things to keep whomever happy. I dont really think about the impact till its too late.

I've seem to have found my self in a rather big pickle recently. A pickle i cant seem to un-pickle no matter what i do.

I don't can't do relationships, and i can really remember why now.

This is why i like simple. Simple might be boring but my mind can handle simple.

I like plain ice cream, i like chocolate on its own, i drink water and i dont like my food touching. All simple.

Where can i find a plain ice cream partner. Preferably one that will not melt either.

Homophobia

Now you would think these days homophobia is not really a problem any more, especially in this generation, where it's almost cool and the in thing to be part of the LGBT community.

Well i have experienced homophobia twice now in the last week, by my mum and by who i used to class as very good friends of mine.

When i told my mum i had a girlfriend, she was disappointed. She says she isnt but i could tell.

"Oh i thought you would bring a nice lad home.". She denies saying that but i remember it clearly. I dont ever want to disappoint my mum but to have known i disappointed her for just being me hurts.

Then there were my friends. I used to travel ages to get to college, and we all lived in different towns by some distance. Since leaving college i have been working alot, and in my spare time i would see family and friends that live near by. I guess they've got a bit pissed off because i can never really find the time or the money to go to see them. I guess they noticed my Facebook relationship had changed, and it showed that i was with a girl. They left a comment on wall saying something like "What, are you gay, straight, confused, cus we sure as hell are". I deleted the post and spoke to them on chat, and just basically said i was bi. They asked how long etc. And i knew the way they were asking the questions they were thinking "OMG she must of fancied me" They were just horrible the way they were saying stuff. Again they would probably deny saying it horribly, but to me it seemed negative and again this hurt my feelings.

Now you might think, homophobia might be a bit over the top. But it doesnt just class attacks, it also includes any kind of negativity towards the person because of their sexuality.

I dont see what people's problems are.

I guess ...

I'm sorry for being me.

But what im also going to say is ...

FUCK YOU BITCHES!!!

Time to be a stereotype and have Tegan & Sara as the video.

I cry because ...

I hate showing my emotions and i have a nack at hiding them. "There's no crying in baseball", and people will never see a Kimble cry. To see me proper cry is like spotting the loch ness monster, it aint gonna happen. Which means there's one film i could never watch in the company of others, because i cry. Not just a little cry either, a continuous sob for like half hour.

Why do i cry so much with this film?

Is it the heart felt story line and the amazing acting that makes me lose grip on reality and genuinely feel sad for the characters?

Is it the topic, the fact i have a passion for it and to see such heartache after so much hard work breaks my own heart?

Is it the use of moody cinematic effects and powerful piano pieces that melts my heart?

Or is it purely the fact i wished i had a father, or at least a father figure like Frankie?

Things i need to shout at the world...

To You;

I'm so lucky to be rid of you, you massive stupid fucking headfuck you!! Lesson learnt.

To You;

Why dont you get it ... how hard is it. I tell you but you dont listen, it doesnt seem to sink in. All i need is someone to help me, to listen to me. I thought that was your role in my life.

To You;

I was in control, i was stable, then you go and do something like that and now i dont know where i stand. You rocked the boat when i was trying to keep it steady.

To my heart;

I miss you.

To my brain;

SHUT UP!

To the world;

FUCK YOU!

100 reasons to smile

There is a million reasons why i smile, but here are the first 100 reasons i can think of.

1. The smell of fresh rain.
2. Fresh bed sheets and a newly made bed.
3. Favourite song coming on the radio.
4. Night time driving.
5. Thunder storms.
6. Pushing your feet deep into the cool sand on the beach.
7. Making other people smile.
8. Handwritten letters.
9. New catalogues.
10. The feeling of new carpets/rugs.
11. Going to a busy road and not having to stop to cross.
12. Receiving something for free, even if it's a pen.
13. The sniff test.
14. When you almost die, but you dont.
15. A real good high 5.
16. The rush between turning light off and getting into bed.
17. Ninja movement in car parks, where you drive through different parking bays to the best one.
18. Getting caught in the rain.
19. Wearing warm clothes straight from the dryer.
20. When the moon looks awesome.
21. Rushing through a closing door like a ninja.
22. A good cup of tea.
23. When the train/bus doors stop and open right infront of you.
24. The feeling when the car goes over a small hill.
25. Sleeping through your alarm, but waking up in time so your not late.
26. The feel of really clean teeth.
27. Excitement spasm.
28. Sharing a book, and discussing it.
29. Being the only person on the beach.
30. Successful cork popping.
31. Conversations with your friends parents.
32. Taking the perfect picture.
33. When a film really makes you giggle and laugh.
34. Awesome moustaches.
35. In control of the music in the car.
36. Getting in line, and another lane opens, as if it was just for you.
37. Coffee shops.
38. Geeking about something.
39. When you and strangers help push cars out of the snow.
40. When you take that extra invisible step on the stairs.
41. Reading on the toilet.
42. Dancing when home alone.
43. Having the best dreams.
44. Walking alone and an awesome upbeat song comes on your iPod so you start running.
45. Being the first to walk in fresh snow.
46. Finding cool things in a junk drawer/box/room.
47. Having all your friends over to chill.
48. Seeing an old friend whilst out and exchange numbers.
49. Receiving money you forgot you lent out.
50. Going out when you didn't want to, and it turns into the best day.
51. Driving through motorway tunnels with the orange lights.
52. Spending the day with your mum.
53. After an hour seeing a film, you finally think of another film that the actor has been in.
54. Finding a really cool book at the book shop.
55. Really cool shop deals. (2for1, 4for£20 etc)
56. Successful shots into the bin from afar.
57. Baking cakes/cookies etc with someone.
58. Wearing his hoodie/jumper/jacket.
59. That moment where you admire your freshly tidied room.
60. Walking to/from the shower/bath naked and not get caught.
61. Getting past that really tough level on a game.
62. Walking bare foot on the grass.
63. Getting the Christmas decorations down from the loft.
64. Groups of people singing together.
65. The excitement of your pet when your back home.
66. Getting into a cold bed and snuggling up.
67. The sizzle sound when cooking.
68. Letting your hand ride the breeze out of the car window.
69. Reaching for something far away without having to leave your seat.
70. Unpacking your new gadget.
71. Spontaneous water fights.
72. Quickly posing when you realise your in the back of someones photo.
73. Clear skies at night.
74. Sitting in a packed car and theres a big corner/turning.
75. Walking home in the morning after staying out all night.
76. Listening to moving water. (river/sea etc)
77. Climbing a tree.
78. Melted butter on warm bread.
79. Firework displays.
80. Twilight walks on the coast.
81. Going somewhere new on the opening day/night.
82. Getting to the bus stop/train station just as it turns up.
83. Catching something before it falls to the floor.
84. Realising it's Friday.
85. Birthday/Christmas morning.
86. Realising something new when watching a film for the 4th time.
87. The feeling of utterly smooth legs after shaving them.
88. Licking the cake mixture off the spoon.
89. Making homemade milkshakes with ice cream and milk.
90. Boredom games of catch.
91. Wearing new socks.
92. Gift shops.
93. Getting someone to ring your mobile when you lose it.
94. The anticipation of waiting for one more number at bingo/with the lottery.
95. Building a fort.
96. The feeling when your ear pops.
97. The successful back stretch.
98. Getting to the kettle just as it boils/ Getting to the microwave just as it dings.
99. Colourful kids plasters.
100. Anything to do with someone you love.

:D